27 August 2014

Hiatus Explained

If there's anything I dislike when stumbling onto a new blog, or following a blog that I think is super awesome, it's having an unexplained hiatus. Before anyone starts pointing a finger, let me first say: I also dislike this of myself.

I dislike this for a number of reasons:

1. I feel like I'm letting myself down. 
I made a commitment to myself earlier this year, a promise, that I would blog regularly. I have broken my promise and all this shame and guilt...

2. I feel like I'm letting my small readership down.
By having put my commitment out there I feel like I've made a commitment to everyone else. Consequently, I feel like I have broken my promise to everyone else and thus more shame, more guilt...

3. I feel like I won't be taken seriously.
While blogging isn't an income at this point of my life and career, doesn't mean I don't eventually want to take it there. I know I'm not there yet, but one day I want to be, and I know unexpected and unexplained hiatuses do nothing for street cred. 

4. Makes me second guess myself.
If I can't commit to this, what can I commit to? I mean, this is what I love doing. I love blogging along with writing. I love the projects I embark on with blogging. WHY CAN'T I COMMIT??? What else am I not committing to??? Oh the emotions and insecurities...

Now that I have that bit of melodrama out of the way...

I knew starting a business of my own would be a lot of work. I knew I would have to invest a lot of time and energy, especially in getting a business license, a bank account, a FB page, a website, and most importantly, new clients. In the last two months, I haven't gotten it all established yet either: I've been able to tick things off my to-do list for my business but it's all been out of order. Most importantly though, it's all moving ahead.

I expected starting a business would be a test of my determination and patience. What I didn't expect was this to be a test of my confidence in my abilities as a practitioner, as a student, as a marketer, as a net worker, as an innovator, and to adapt when things don't go as planned. I'm finding myself spending a lot more time on the tasks I would have assigned as a lower priority and so the things I've wanted to do, like blogging, have fallen by the wayside.

GB Nationals is coming up so training has intensified as it's one of the most important domestic, national level competitions. I've applied for my indefinite leave to remain so I am passport-less at the moment and that's causing me all sorts of stress: It's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. Work at the hospital is filled with a group of people who are cynical and apathetic but have a mortgage to pay so they keep coming back which does nothing for the barely there morale. I started a Sports Massage course and the course work and level of knowledge was a bit overwhelming so I've had to defer the course...

Basically, what I'm saying is that I'm struggling to balance the needs of my business, my education, my income, my training, time with my husband, time with friends, and time for myself. I'm overwhelmed with life and I'm emotional and the only way I know how to do with life right now is to write it down.

I should probably give myself a break, I'm not a machine after all. I also need to remind myself that the only person judging me for not getting everything done on my to-do list everyday is myself (pretty sure no one else cares). Trying to accomplish everything now is also unrealistic: I have the rest of my life to live and there will always be new opportunities, new people to meet, and new things to try.

It's hard to feel comfortable or settled or happy when so much of my life is up in the air at the moment. Along with reminding myself that I need to give myself a break, that I should stop and smell the roses, crossing items off my to do list will only leave me feeling excited for a fleeting moment. I need to just be happy now and keep on making the most of my situation.